I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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