A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
