3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
