It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've blown a few things in my day
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
