Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry about my life...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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