I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
