How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
