i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
