So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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