I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
