last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
