I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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