I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
