i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
