I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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