Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
