you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
