Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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