I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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