don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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