just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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