The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
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I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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