At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
