I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
