After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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