I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
