I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
