I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
