cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize