I am spending my child support on dildos
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
