i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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