I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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