I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
