and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
