I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
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its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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