OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
