Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
