You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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