Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there