my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.