Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.