You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.