why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.