Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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