You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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