her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
