The maid of honor just puked.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
