She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
