I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
