Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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