Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
