First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
