and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
