we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You may now shotgun with the bride
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
