my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
