I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
