My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
