My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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