I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
