we're chasing vodka with high fives
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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