I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
