take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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