He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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