Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
