Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
